Back to my roots

I started this blog in, whenever it was, 2003? when I was in counseling for depression and starting medication for said affliction. My counselor at the time, who often went around talking about chakras to the uncomfortable me who was extraordinarily Christian and uptight, said that writing, even writing things I didn't think were worth writing, was a way to acknowledge my thoughts and was a practice of treating myself as though I had some legitimacy. It was so hard. I was super-critical of everything I wrote (less so now, obvs) (oh there I go again with the self-dismissal) (see where I'm going with this?) and I deleted a LOT. So I have no compunction about writing ridiculously personal, therapy-related stuff here. Hasn't gotten me fired yet, and I need a tiny bit of legitimacy today.

Anyway, I only went to see that counselor a few times, because the medication kept me from sliding into the suicidal pits that made me seek treatment in the first place and I mistakenly decided I'd dealt with my business and God would take care of me. Needless to say, I spent the next couple of years in 6-month cycles of meds/no-meds, with occasional counseling, feeling very good when I was on medication and very bad when I wasn't. I got off the birth control pills, which didn't start my crazy but definitely exacerbated it. My self-esteem hung by the tiniest of tiny threads, and I couldn't handle joking uncles, mean teenagers, or very much criticism from anyone without breaking down in tears later. I never got to the point with counseling where I recognized how emotionally stunted I was (am)... I only knew that I needed to figure out what I needed to be happy, on the most basic of basic levels, and then find ways to make it happen or ask for it. That was a giant step forward, don't get me wrong. Not that I figured out that 'asking for it' part. Still working on that.

My last round of meds started when I separated from my ex, and ended a few months later when I realized that in spite of working two jobs to pay what I considered my share of my ex's bills in addition to my new rent and bills, and that he'd also gotten to keep most of our friends (to be fair, most of them called me at some point to talk and I didn't answer, and they didn't pursue), and even though the church we'd gone to had mailed me a strongly worded and condemnatory letter signed by people who I'd considered friends before, "commanding" me to return to my husband (I still have it, because it is so shocking to me even still that anyone would think sending it was a good idea), even though all that stuff, and more stuff, lots of stuff, just being on my own in my own space and having a new freedom was enough to make me feel happy in a way that the meds never did. I used to walk down the hall at work, when I was on medication, thinking to myself, "I have no right to feel as good as I do." Not a real deeply seated sense of well-being, you know? But afterward, even though my whole separation and divorce was incredibly painful and I recognized that I was angry and hurt, I found probably for the first time that I was just fucked up like most other people, and I had grounds for connection. I was no longer a freak who God didn't talk to, and who was "weird," and whose unhappiness was her own damn fault because God's love should be more than enough for anyone's joy. I was blessed to meet some really amazing people who were willing to let me be what I needed to be in the moment when I met them. I went off the meds in mid-2005 and haven't felt the need for them since.

Fast forward to now. I'm in counseling again. And my counselor is amazing. She's the balls, and she sees me and gives me great feedback. My goal now is different. The reason I started going was because I realized that I was completely unable to tell Scotty how I feel about things, and his wanting to know how I felt was scary and intimidating to me and I never knew how I felt, so I'd make things up and try out different things until something worked (if it ever did), and man, can you imagine how frustrating that would be for him? "Here's my feeling, but I will give you 16 revisions over the next two weeks and you will probably feel lied to, ok? Now act on it."

I just read this article today which is helping me verbalize some of what I'm trying to unlearn. I pushed it past the level that the article concentrates on, which is squelching needs and wants and emotions because the feedback you get from the world makes you feel crazy. I went beyond becoming emotionally mute to becoming emotionally insensate. If I feel too much I disengage and refuse to feel anymore, because almost all emotion feels the same: simultaneously scary and self-indulgent. I would like to be able to feel and identify my emotions. I am terrified of the work I need to do in order to accomplish this. Today, after reading that article, I cried about my dad calling me a bitch when I was 14 because I behaved emotionally. I will get to the emotions of my divorce in, oh, 2023 or so. And Jesus, the college break-ups! I can't wait.

So, all pretty fucked up, yes? But that's not a bad thing to be, and it's gonna get better. I have so much love, and so many good friends, and I feel so lucky. Even writing this, I realize where I am versus where I was in 2003 (or 2000 and engaged to get married and still crying all the time and writing journal entries about how awful I felt) (jesus I should have known) (and Christ I was listening to a lot of bad music too). I look at the friends I have, and I'm embarrassed about how great they make me look if they are any kind of reflection of me. It HURTS it's so flattering. So much love.

The best lesson this year (because it's December and no longer a party foul to have this kind of reflection) came from Studs Terkel's Hard Times, and I've hunted back for the exact quote, but that is a long book and I can't find the right interview. As I remember, it's with an older woman, who, somewhat related to what she's discussing about the Depression, says something along the lines of 'You have to let people be what they are in that moment that you're with them.' I read that on the bus and she took my breath away. Whoever that woman was, long dead I'm sure, I feel happy that she existed. Because that piece of wisdom has been key for going though suffering and good stuff with so many friends, and that phrase is my point of awareness, whenever I start to be annoyed or whatever by someone, or don't want to be with them anymore because they're making me feel something, I realize what expectations I'm putting on them instead of letting them be what they are. It's humbling. I am trying to also apply it to myself.